some days i seem to get lost inside of my own head. i tend to analyze, evaluate, and over-think. i go through the day at a break-neck speed, as i try to become everything, do everything. i run without seeing, i do without judging the recourse, i am blinded by my own self.



then suddenly,
like a breath,
i see beauty.

i must slow down. i must take in what is around me.




this life is bigger than i.
inhale completely.
exhale.

---photos are compliments of kathi and franck----

within, and outside of myself things are shifting. it's a strange feeling. something i seem to have no control over, and yet, total control over.
i have discovered in these last few days (or is it weeks now? i cannot keep track) that i am tyrannical by nature, i want more than i should have. if this were 500 years ago i would've taken over other countries. not because the one i have isn't enough, but, because i wanted two. as if two countries would fill some insatiable thing inside of me. but, the questions continue to come: how does one control two countries? being two places at once is something even americans cannot do. if i had two, would i see the beauty in each? are they equals? or will one always be greater than the other?
so rather than conquer, i try to expand my borders. push myself to envelope all things. at some point i begin to thin around the edges. at some point, i am no longer myself, i am someone i don't recognized.

i'm losing myself in my metaphor. but, currently, metaphors are all i have.

i need to get away. distance myself. but, somehow i feel running away will only complicate matters more. because it does not matter where i go, my head will go with me, and it is my head that i need the most distance from.

there you have it.
complex, irrational, confusing.
these are the emotions i've been dealing with

realization

a weekend of rain, and the french.

meeting new people is not something that happens often for us. maybe we're a bit reclusive. maybe climbers are a snobby bunch who tend to lean to competition rather than friendship. we have our friends, we feel satisfied.
then, while k and richard were in yosemite, they had an eye opening experience. people are friendly. even climbers. in the rainy valley of granite, they met a couple from france. they are travelers, climbers, and basically wonderful. they came through the city of rocks, and we met them there.
as we climbed and chatted and had coffee, i figured out that this small life i am living, can be expanded. i thought i was doing well, taking chances, being adventurous. i can be more, i can do more.

i must remain calm.

sometimes i get tied up in the idea that i haven't lived enough. oh-my-god i'm nearly 27. but, then i meet people, talk, and realize that 26 is maybe not that old. maybe it is exactly to right age to be thinking about who i want to be. the things that are important to me.
yes. i got married at 23. it's a utah thing. and while it was young everywhere else, i was old-- according to utah standards. looking back i realize 23 is a baby. i wouldn't change my marriage. my best friend has taken me places i've never realized were possible. and now, with my best friend i will go places i've only ever dreamed about.

the french have opened my eyes.

this weekend they are coming to stay with us, i'm very excited.

i love my city

while k was off climbing big walls with richard i was left to entertain myself.
i am not easily entertained.
after a stint of painting, and a shopping trip that was an utter failure,
i found myself in the mountains.
i ran bear through the rain,
i watched the snow fall,
and when the sun finally poked out its head, i hiked up to watch it set.

i am pulled toward the mountains
i can't imagine anything more beautiful to be drawn to




i tried to entertain bear too.
he is a selfish doggie
we went to the pet store, and i let him pick out his own toy.
he loves it.

he has left

it's true.

he is off climbing el captain with our friend richard. so, for the next nine days i must figure out ways to entertain and feed myself, the feeding myself is what i am most concerned about.
he also left bear, even though bear kept piling toys on his climbing gear.

it was strange saying goodbye this morning. i'm out of practice.
the hardest part was the realization that i am not going.
i don't get left behind on long climbing trips, yet here i sit at home while husband drives toward yosemite.

then i found this guy on my porch.
it made me smile to see him so close to the house, and completely unaware of the fact that his costume made him stand out rather than blend in.
if he were truly a master of disguise he would be turning red and orange like the other leaves around here.
we are both out of our element.