within, and outside of myself things are shifting. it's a strange feeling. something i seem to have no control over, and yet, total control over.
i have discovered in these last few days (or is it weeks now? i cannot keep track) that i am tyrannical by nature, i want more than i should have. if this were 500 years ago i would've taken over other countries. not because the one i have isn't enough, but, because i wanted two. as if two countries would fill some insatiable thing inside of me. but, the questions continue to come: how does one control two countries? being two places at once is something even americans cannot do. if i had two, would i see the beauty in each? are they equals? or will one always be greater than the other?
so rather than conquer, i try to expand my borders. push myself to envelope all things. at some point i begin to thin around the edges. at some point, i am no longer myself, i am someone i don't recognized.

i'm losing myself in my metaphor. but, currently, metaphors are all i have.

i need to get away. distance myself. but, somehow i feel running away will only complicate matters more. because it does not matter where i go, my head will go with me, and it is my head that i need the most distance from.

there you have it.
complex, irrational, confusing.
these are the emotions i've been dealing with