a moment of reflection

it feels strange to have gone from this

to this


i loved living in the trailer, in the way you love things that are inconvenient and cramped. i miss it, in the way that fantasizes the past.
i miss water as something that is hauled and measured; showers taken outside and the wind drying my body. when it got cooler, showers became less frequent, and where a debate of whether or not to unload the bathtub of all our clothes (in trailers bathtubs = storage) was worth the shower.
i miss the evenings, k cooking, and i reading, the dogs listening to the awaking coyotes as they howled their territory. i miss being worried about bears, thunderstorms, wet rock, and the weekends.
i always felt like i knew a place better; that i belong there more; that when others came it was my place they were visiting.


now we are back in the city, with its indoor plumbing, and hygienic requirements. with streets and houses and fence lines. we hike up the hillside, and look down on lights, airplanes, and houses strewn throughout the valley. bear must be healed or leashed, and reacts like an animal in a snare.
we drive two cars, and we separate, no longer together every moment. i buy coffee from a coffee shop; bread from a bread shop; and think about outfits, climbing clothes with holes are no longer appropriate.

it's an adjustment.

i miss the open spaces, the rivers, the trees, the red rocks, walking out of the trailer and seeing endless land. i miss the people, a community of stench, and uncombed hair.

i now check my email, and think about getting a form of employment. (which is depressing all in its own) the pollution smothers me, rips my lungs and throat open. and i am again left to face my purpose.

i think, in the end, that i've discovered the way i really want to live. i want a life that is more simple, more organic. one where my feet and hands are dirty with chalk and land. one where my weekday attire is a harness and a gear rack. where success is reaching the summit and standing, for a moment, on history.

where the two of us, and bear, makes the perfect party.