.......i'm kind of a big deal......

we spent thanksgiving climbing.
i'm convinced it is the only way to celebrate.

we met kathi and franck in red rocks, nv. this being the last time we will see them in the states, as their american climbing trip comes to a close.
(i will miss them very much)
we also met allen burgess. --he's famous--

we climbed hard routes everyday, kathi and franck push us as they are far better climbers, and we simply try to keep up. i also may be stealing a bit of kathis style. the girl is smooth.
during the evening we would sit around the camp fire listening to allens stories that began with such phrases as "so...it was 1975 and we were trying to steal a car...what were we to do, we needed to get to the verdon"

it was a united nations of climbers, and people, we solved the worlds problems.






it has been weeks since i've last touched a rock, and it felt so good. my fingers are raw, my back is tight, and i am ready to drop everything and go on another climbing trip.

it has also come to my attention that i am in desperate need of a new camera.

some days i seem to get lost inside of my own head. i tend to analyze, evaluate, and over-think. i go through the day at a break-neck speed, as i try to become everything, do everything. i run without seeing, i do without judging the recourse, i am blinded by my own self.



then suddenly,
like a breath,
i see beauty.

i must slow down. i must take in what is around me.




this life is bigger than i.
inhale completely.
exhale.

---photos are compliments of kathi and franck----

within, and outside of myself things are shifting. it's a strange feeling. something i seem to have no control over, and yet, total control over.
i have discovered in these last few days (or is it weeks now? i cannot keep track) that i am tyrannical by nature, i want more than i should have. if this were 500 years ago i would've taken over other countries. not because the one i have isn't enough, but, because i wanted two. as if two countries would fill some insatiable thing inside of me. but, the questions continue to come: how does one control two countries? being two places at once is something even americans cannot do. if i had two, would i see the beauty in each? are they equals? or will one always be greater than the other?
so rather than conquer, i try to expand my borders. push myself to envelope all things. at some point i begin to thin around the edges. at some point, i am no longer myself, i am someone i don't recognized.

i'm losing myself in my metaphor. but, currently, metaphors are all i have.

i need to get away. distance myself. but, somehow i feel running away will only complicate matters more. because it does not matter where i go, my head will go with me, and it is my head that i need the most distance from.

there you have it.
complex, irrational, confusing.
these are the emotions i've been dealing with

realization

a weekend of rain, and the french.

meeting new people is not something that happens often for us. maybe we're a bit reclusive. maybe climbers are a snobby bunch who tend to lean to competition rather than friendship. we have our friends, we feel satisfied.
then, while k and richard were in yosemite, they had an eye opening experience. people are friendly. even climbers. in the rainy valley of granite, they met a couple from france. they are travelers, climbers, and basically wonderful. they came through the city of rocks, and we met them there.
as we climbed and chatted and had coffee, i figured out that this small life i am living, can be expanded. i thought i was doing well, taking chances, being adventurous. i can be more, i can do more.

i must remain calm.

sometimes i get tied up in the idea that i haven't lived enough. oh-my-god i'm nearly 27. but, then i meet people, talk, and realize that 26 is maybe not that old. maybe it is exactly to right age to be thinking about who i want to be. the things that are important to me.
yes. i got married at 23. it's a utah thing. and while it was young everywhere else, i was old-- according to utah standards. looking back i realize 23 is a baby. i wouldn't change my marriage. my best friend has taken me places i've never realized were possible. and now, with my best friend i will go places i've only ever dreamed about.

the french have opened my eyes.

this weekend they are coming to stay with us, i'm very excited.

i love my city

while k was off climbing big walls with richard i was left to entertain myself.
i am not easily entertained.
after a stint of painting, and a shopping trip that was an utter failure,
i found myself in the mountains.
i ran bear through the rain,
i watched the snow fall,
and when the sun finally poked out its head, i hiked up to watch it set.

i am pulled toward the mountains
i can't imagine anything more beautiful to be drawn to




i tried to entertain bear too.
he is a selfish doggie
we went to the pet store, and i let him pick out his own toy.
he loves it.

he has left

it's true.

he is off climbing el captain with our friend richard. so, for the next nine days i must figure out ways to entertain and feed myself, the feeding myself is what i am most concerned about.
he also left bear, even though bear kept piling toys on his climbing gear.

it was strange saying goodbye this morning. i'm out of practice.
the hardest part was the realization that i am not going.
i don't get left behind on long climbing trips, yet here i sit at home while husband drives toward yosemite.

then i found this guy on my porch.
it made me smile to see him so close to the house, and completely unaware of the fact that his costume made him stand out rather than blend in.
if he were truly a master of disguise he would be turning red and orange like the other leaves around here.
we are both out of our element.

a view

this weekend, with the family in tow, we drove to the very tip top of willard peak. it was the first time i've experienced this town from that perspective.

and we stood with our toes curled over the edge.







it was beautiful. the lake, the islands, the sun.

we taught aiden important lessons--how to roast a hotdog over a fire, how to properly shoot a sling-shot-- simple things a girl must know. (later we will teach her eating hotdogs will kill you, but for now, we let her enjoy)




fall is officially here, and along with sweaters while the sun is still out, i picked leaves so red they glowed
--be still my heart--

_________________________________________________________

there are things, in this moment of my life, that i have seriously been neglecting. i feel my days are spinning out of control, and i cannot grasp just a minute of them. i do everything, and yet, still nothing gets done. it's a phenomenon i can't understand.
it's actually quite annoying.

so, i declare to you, day, i will take you back. i will find the time to run the pointer (and myself), i will take pictures of the briefest moments of fall, because soon snow will come. i will climb, (actually i have been climbing, i just haven't recorded the efforts). i will charge my camera, and remember the memory card, a task far more difficult than necessary.

this is my public announcement

note to self

update blog

--bonnie

can you feel it

i can.

the breeze, slightly cooler.
the cast of gold through my hair and the reeds.
the tiny leaves, just beginning to turn
fall.
it's coming

we took a middle of the week trip to the city of rocks. is there any better time to leave then the middle of the week? i think not.
we were alone. just us and the bear, who we saw only in blurs and the whistle of the grass as he ran by.
my husband has picked up a habit of climbing without a rope.
nothing dangerous.
just a little thrill.
i've picked up the habit of photographing him. i think that makes me a bad wife. instead of whining, threatening or telling him to get his butt back to the ground, i take his picture.
but, he is beautiful, and graceful, and what is a girl to do when the early evening light is just right?

myself,
well, i prefer to climb with a rope strongly attached to my harness, (and the anchors above).
i showed mr. nelson how to tie the knot, just in case he forgot.
don't let that top-rope fool you, dear reader, i climb hard, i just have a slight discomfort in leading trad.
trust me, it's more scary than soloing.



we set up the cocoon
and listened to wind, and bear howl at creatures of the night.
i like that orange cave.
but, i (we.) (kaleb.) forgot the pillows
camping without them lends itself to an achy back and neck in the morning




we make do.

i have ever told you i don't read books
i devour them!
one swift bite
--chomp--

air time

changes are happening. i can feel it.
and since facing challenges head-on makes me nervous, i went climbing.
funny how that works.
i can look up at a climb, and feel the butterflies of anticipation, and a little hesitation, but i like it. when life throws me a challenge, i tend to maneuver around it. give myself space from it, do some yoga and think about it, and climb.
climbing has a way of clearing things up. hanging on the end of a rope, 50, 60, 1000ft in the air, really puts everything in perspective.
so,
dear newest life crisis,
you will be dealt with later, when you seem less intimidating, for now, i will avoid you, and climb around you. i've done it with harder things, i have a knack for finding the less difficult route.

we went and did something we haven't done in a very long time.
we climbed in the canyon.
and i must say, it was amazing.






meet richard.
we climbed with him for the first (and hopefully not the last) time.
warning,
if you currently are, or will someday will become my friend, you will be on this blog.
sorry.

i live in a house.
i climb in a gym.
i update my blog without pictures.

i don't like this.

when did i become so boring?

that's it.
i'm going on a trip

i still buy shoes

some days, i think the person i've become, and the person i once was, would never recognize each other.
if i came across my 18 year old self, in a coffee shop, i would probably laugh. the hair, the make-up, the clothes, the chatter i would undoubtedly be chattering with my girlfriend. i would take my coffee, and be a bit surprised that her eyes were the same blue, but there is where the similarities would end.
i was always told, warned in a way, that i would change in my twenties.
why have i never (ever) listened to anyone?
i changed.

i settled down a bit. i connected myself with reality. i think that may be the biggest change of all, the connection with the world around me. the realization that i am not the be all end all.
i think some of that came in alaska. have i told you about alaska? someday i will.
i changed a little moving to portland, living on my own without a cent.
a little when i came home and moved back and forth from different apartments, dingy and gray, to the wide open spaces of alaska.
then i jumped into adulthood, bought a house, got a job, and irrigated my lawn every 5 days.
and, as you know, that didn't work out, so i dumped the house, dumped all the furniture and traveled in a trailer.

now, my hair is longer, and close to my head. my face is clean and void of make-up. my body even changed. turning from that skinny pre-adulthood blossom, into a stronger, tighter, more capable thing.
i am less self-conscious.
i am less selfish.
i am less jaded.
my coffee is stronger.
as are my convictions.

but,
i still love shoes.
only now, instead of heels
they have sticky rubber on the bottom.

smoke on the water

have i ever told you about my youth?

i grew up on the water, behind a boat.
my family spent the summers on the lake. any lake.
i belong in water.

i, all of us really, started skiing at a very young age. tiny people learning the ski behind a very big boat with a wake taller than us.
the water smoked in the morning, as smooth as glass
and i always went first.
some things never change.






i cannot tell you how happy it makes me to be on the boat again.
to water-ski, my sisters around me, sweet baby hadley experiencing it for the first time.
my mom.
my dad.
these are the times that i love my family the very most, total unadulterated fun.
my dad, i can't even express how my dad is during these time, how he's always been. he loves it too. and he makes it perfect. he brought along lox and bagels, his giant smile as each of his girls jumped into the water, and even after a couple of years not skiing, stood up and cut into the wake. having that perfect baby on his lap, showing her all the buttons on the boat.

even as a teenager, the type that didn't want anything to do with her parents. (i was far too cool in my young body) i spent time with my dad on that boat. always down to go, always first on the ski.
these are some of my best memories


it was the perfect way to start the day,
and i didn't stop smiling all day.